It started with those Coors commercials. I always found them laughably stupid, but everyone else seemed to think it was a pretty serious thing that Coors was the “coldest beer on Earth.” But me, I always thought it was a joke. By definition, a beer is as cold as the fridge it’s stored in. How can anyone not know that?
It took me the longest time to figure out that they were being ridiculously insulting. Apparently I really thought more of the people they were advertising to than they did. I still don’t see why this “Hey guys look how cold we are” thing matters. And let’s be clear – this is presented like it’s something that matters. This is THE reason to buy a Coors. It’s been cold so long!
Of course, I don’t expect much from beer commercials. Budweiser is famous for that; the frogs and lizards and Wazzups were all incredibly pointless. But that was the point, and if a beer commercial tells me “Oh, even we’re not taking this seriously” then that’s fine.
But what’s Budweiser doing with its ads now? Well, hot on the heels of “Let’s hire a Daily Show correspondent and then have him not make jokes,” they took their “Hot chick bartender” line of advertising and started saying the exact same shit as Coors. Their beer is so cold everywhere! Pay attention to that! It matters!
Here’s what I’m saying: I don’t see why I should care that the water in your beer used to be chilly when your beer tastes like shit. And all the advertising in the world won’t change that. But what this whole ridiculous thing really reminds me of is the first episode of Mad Men. In it, it’s 1960 and a big ad company and their cigarette company client are freaking out because they can’t talk about how healthy cigarettes are due to a new law.
So what does the main character come up with? “It’s toasted.” This is a completely meaningless phrase. It’s a simple statement of fact that to get a cigarette, the tobacco seeds themselves are toasted. The consumer has no idea what makes that a unique feature, or even something that would improve the cigarette. But to someone who knows nothing about the process of making a cigarette, it sure sounds like something special. It’s the birth of bullshit. It’s the birth of absolute meaninglessness in advertising, disguised as something else. And that disguise is what gets me, because if you aren’t doing anything special, find something else to talk about.
But I guess that’s pretty hard, because first it was Coors Light, and now it’s Budweiser. They’re toasted.
