Off-Topic Friday: Numb3rs

To be honest, I am not an expert on the television show Numb3rs.  I am vaguely aware that it involves a math genius who solves crimes using math (I refuse to do any research to find out if I am right) and that one of the stars played Mr. Universe in Serenity (So if you were wondering if this was the Internet, there’s your obligatory Firefly/Serenity reference), but I am otherwise in the dark.

However, I feel I can say this with absolute conviction and authority: That’s a stupid title.

I mean, what does putting a 3 in the title really accomplish?  Is that the thing that makes you go, “Oh, numbers must be important”?  Does the title “Numbers” not sufficiently get that across?  Was there some guy in a focus group who said, “Look, it’s good, but what you should do is change the title just enough to make it stupid”?  Or did the marketing people decide that the only way to get people to pay attention to the damn show would be to slightly change its title?

So, as my tiny form of protest, whenever I refer to the show (which is admittedly rare), I take care to pronounce the title “Numb-three-ers.”  Because that’s how it’s spelled, dammit.  And I, for some reason, care.

Off-Topic Friday: My Least Favorite Best Picture Winner At The Oscars

Crash.

Off-Topic Friday: Software from the Interwebs

My computer wasn’t able to access the Internets for several months.  That ended in April, but when it came back, there was something missing.  Something just felt wrong for months and months until I was poking around trying to fix a problem, and I rediscovered it.

My redemption.  My companion.  My savior.  My love.

FlashMute.

For those of you unfamiliar with FlashMute, here’s what it does: It makes your browser shut the fuck up.  So when you’re on AddictingGames trying to kill some time, you don’t have to hear the sound.  When you’re on a website from ten years ago that has a MIDI (ask your parents, kids) playing in the background, you don’t have to hear it.  And when you have music playing on your computer, you don’t have to fly into a rage every time some shitty website makes you listen to its shitty music.

If I could marry one program on my computer, it would be Civilization 4 (I want to badly to spend every waking hour with it).  If I could have a mistress, it would be FlashMute.

Oh FlashMute.  You are a beautiful thing.

Off-Topic Friday: Off-Topic Post

Picture.

Introduction.

Moderately amusing second paragraph.

Series of poorly formed sentences and subpar jokes.  One cogent point.  More pointlessness.

Realization that post is subpar, but could be improved with some work.

Shrug.

Hit “Publish” button.

Off-Topic Friday: The Five Stupidest Issues Of This Presidential Campaign

Well, now that everyone can see what a historic election this was, we can take a look back at it and see how ridiculous many of the issues were.  And oh, how we’ll enjoy it.

5. Joe The Plumber.  You had to see this one coming.  Here’s a guy who asks a question and then his life completely changes.  Yeah, he should pay his taxes fully and he should probably get his life together before he starts to think about buying that plumbing business, but all that media scrutiny and attention was crazy.  Honestly, the media, just because John McCain mentioned him a bunch of times in one debate is no reason to care about him.  Obama mentioned alternative energy a bunch of times and you sure as shit don’t seem to care about that.

4. ACORN.  Literally anyone who knew what they did and what the law was could see that this was a stupid non-issue.  And yet.

3. Hillary and Bill Don’t Really Support Obama.  Yes.  They did.  You were just seeing what you wanted to see.  They were disappointed it wasn’t Hillary, but once they realized what was at stake, they got behind Obama. They’re politicians, and even though they’re Democrats, they’re good ones.

2. John McCain Thinks Arabs Aren’t Good Family Men.  At a rally, a McCain supporter said that Obama’s an Arab, and McCain responded, “No he’s not.  He’s a good family man who I just have fundamental differences with.”  A lot of people got all up in arms about that, as if he was saying that to be an Arab meant you couldn’t be a good family man.  Nope.  Sorry, that’s stupid.  He was responding to that specifically, and to the character issues in general that his supporters tried to latch onto regarding Obama.  McCain did plenty of things during the campaign that were pretty stupid (See: Number 4 on this list committing “possibly the greatest voter fraud in this nation’s history”), but here he was standing up for Obama and he did it in an inarticulate way.  That’s it.  It wasn’t that bad.  Get over it.

1. Is Barack Obama Black Enough To Be President? Remember when that was a thing?  Is it even possible to think of a stupider issue than that?  This issue is stupider than Heroes.  This issue is stupider than The Hills.  This issue is stupider than Sarah Palin.  This issue is undoubtedly the stupidest thing I heard in the last two years.  Congratulations to it.  The title is well-deserved.

Off-Topic Friday: Terms That Do Not Appear In The Constitution

Here’s one for people who say that the term “separation of church and state” doesn’t appear in the Constitution.  I am using the version here.  If there are any glaring omissions from this online version, like it doesn’t include the interstate commerce clause, or it refuses to acknowledge the existence of Batman, please let me know so I can use a better online copy.

Terms not in the Constitution:

• separation of church and state
• jesus
• christ
• creator
• god
• abortion
• free market
• market
• capitalism

Off-Topic Friday: Why Obama Will Win

“President Obama” sounds more right than “President McCain.”

Try it out.

See?

That’s why Obama will win.

Off-Topic Friday: Spain

I’ve given this a lot of thought, and here’s the conclusion I came to: Spain can go fuck itself.

Maybe it’s a cool country now with a bunch of sweet solar power technology, but historically Spain has been controlled by a bunch of fucking cunts. Here’s a sample of the role of Spain in history:

• Ferdinand and Isabella fund Christopher Columbus’ expedition to find a trade route to Asia, despite the warnings of almost every scientist in Europe that his plan is fucking insane and that all the sailors will starve to death because it’s insanely fucking far from Spain to Asia.  Here’s about how far it is, reader: Imagine you have to take a boat the entire lengths of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans combined, plus the width of North America.  Yeah – scientists back in the day actually knew how damn far it was.  Spain becomes a world power because Columbus’ lucky ass finds America, and they exploit all the lovely native peoples and natural resources found here.
• Spain decides it’s sick of England’s shit and sends an armada to defeat them.  The mightiest sea force the world had ever seen loses battles to English ships, and later to those rocks off the coast of Ireland that came out of nowhere and brutally attacked.
• Spain declares war on France in 1793.  They lose, and France controls their country until Napoleon is removed from power.  Conclusion here: Spain’s a bunch of dumb retards.
• The 20th century: Spain remains neutral in World Wars 1 and 2, and even gives some support to the Nazis.  Then, their country is controlled by a dictator until 1975.  Fuck you, Spain.  Western Europe was all about the democracy and you were being a bunch of fucking bitches.

There we are.  That’s scientific proof that Spain fucking sucks.  So if anyone asks you what’s your least favorite country in the world, you know what to say.

Sudan.

What?  They got some genocide going on there.  That shit’s serious.

Off-Topic Friday: The Spin Room

So there’s a debate between a couple of guys who are running for, let’s say, president.  Right afterwards, if you’re a member of the media, what do you think is the more prudent course of action?

A) Hire independent analysts to talk about the debate, and wait for the polls to show what people thought and how the words that these people said will influence their vote.
B) Go to a room whose name says “This is where you will be lied to,” and wait for the Democrats to tell you why the Democrat won and the Republicans to tell you why the Republicans won.

You choose B, of course!  Because you’re a stupid shameless whore!

(Sorry reader, but as a hypothetical member of the media, you deserve it.  You’re part of the problem, buddy.)

I really don’t see how this is remotely relevant to anyone.  I mean, analysis that comes from biased sources is worthless.  It’s not like Rudy Giuliani is going to show up after a debate and say “Man, McCain got his ass HANDED to him!  How could anyone vote for him after that shitshow?  Jeeeesus, man.  I’m on the wrong side.”

No, he will say, no matter how the debate went, that McCain had an incredible debate and that Obama doesn’t have the experience necessary to lead.  He’ll say that he’d be shocked – SHOCKED – if this debate didn’t raise serious questions in the minds of the electorate about Obama.

And Obama’s surrogates will do the same thing.  They will crow about how McCain really couldn’t block those criticisms that he’ll be another four years of George Bush.  They’ll talk about how Obama really connected with the common man, like any of them knows what the fuck a common man looks like.  They’ll say that Obama definitely has the momentum going into the election and that the country is ready for a change.

And everyone sees it coming, too.  That’s the part that really gets me.  The news networks know that this role is bullshit, but they let these guys play it, and they pass it off as news.  And nobody seems too inclined to change it.

Except me.

So, nobody who matters seems too inclined to change it.

(This post was written on Tuesday afternoon, before the second debate.  It will apply to every national debate ever until this bullshit ends)

Off-Topic Friday: Beer Commercials

It started with those Coors commercials.  I always found them laughably stupid, but everyone else seemed to think it was a pretty serious thing that Coors was the “coldest beer on Earth.”  But me, I always thought it was a joke.  By definition, a beer is as cold as the fridge it’s stored in.  How can anyone not know that?

It took me the longest time to figure out that they were being ridiculously insulting.  Apparently I really thought more of the people they were advertising to than they did.  I still don’t see why this “Hey guys look how cold we are” thing matters.  And let’s be clear – this is presented like it’s something that matters.  This is THE reason to buy a Coors.  It’s been cold so long!

Of course, I don’t expect much from beer commercials.  Budweiser is famous for that; the frogs and lizards and Wazzups were all incredibly pointless.  But that was the point, and if a beer commercial tells me “Oh, even we’re not taking this seriously” then that’s fine.

But what’s Budweiser doing with its ads now?  Well, hot on the heels of “Let’s hire a Daily Show correspondent and then have him not make jokes,” they took their “Hot chick bartender” line of advertising and started saying the exact same shit as Coors.  Their beer is so cold everywhere!  Pay attention to that!  It matters!

Here’s what I’m saying: I don’t see why I should care that the water in your beer used to be chilly when your beer tastes like shit.  And all the advertising in the world won’t change that.  But what this whole ridiculous thing really reminds me of is the first episode of Mad Men.  In it, it’s 1960 and a big ad company and their cigarette company client are freaking out because they can’t talk about how healthy cigarettes are due to a new law.

So what does the main character come up with?  “It’s toasted.”  This is a completely meaningless phrase.  It’s a simple statement of fact that to get a cigarette, the tobacco seeds themselves are toasted.  The consumer has no idea what makes that a unique feature, or even something that would improve the cigarette.  But to someone who knows nothing about the process of making a cigarette, it sure sounds like something special.  It’s the birth of bullshit.  It’s the birth of absolute meaninglessness in advertising, disguised as something else.  And that disguise is what gets me, because if you aren’t doing anything special, find something else to talk about.

But I guess that’s pretty hard, because first it was Coors Light, and now it’s Budweiser.  They’re toasted.