Summary: The LORD tells Zephaniah that there’s some punishin’ coming for the Earth. Jerusalem is on the Earth. But at some point, the LORD will stop punishing (or something).
The first third of Zephaniah concerns just how bad the LORD is gonna kill the shit out of the residents of Earth. He says he’ll kill everyone, including people and animals. And it’s not like the righteous will even be spared:
“The LORD said, ‘I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish. I will bring about the downfall of the wicked. I will destroy all mankind, and no survivors will be left. I, the LORD, have spoken.” (1.2-3)
So, not a lot of ambiguity there. Are you alive? Then you’ll get some smitin’. Nothing personal, but sometimes people just have to die. The LORD also promises that no one will remember the priests who served Baal (1.4) and that anyone who worships the sun or moon or stars will be destroyed, along with people who say they’ll worship the LORD but turn to Molech (1.5) and people who refuse to answer the LORD’s call (1.6).
Here’s my question: didn’t you already cover those people? Aren’t they part of everything on earth? Aren’t they part of all human beings and animals? What about all mankind? They’re included in that, right?
Well, of course they are. The point of separating them into different groups isn’t to say they won’t die. The point is just to separate them. The point is to give believers a reason to think of themselves as different from nonbelievers. Because once you do that, once you define a group by how they are unlike you, it becomes much easier to deny their essential humanity. And when that’s done, you don’t even need to justify going to war with them or taking anything they own, be it jewelry, houses, or land. After all, you’re one of God’s people. They’re just a bunch of Baal-worshipping monsters.
So we have this event at some point in the future which separates the virtuous believers from the blasphemous heathens. Now, many different religions have many different ways the world is supposed to end. But then, they kinda have to. If religion is born of a search for answers, you as a religious leader (congratulations, blog reader – you have been promoted to a religious leader) have no choice but to claim your religion has every answer. So yes, of course you know how the world began. And yes, of course you know what pleases your totally real god. And yes, of course you know how the world ends. And do you see those unbelievers across the street? Those Molech-loving Canaanite motherfuckers! They have to be destroyed. It’s God’s will.
So you know what the event it – you know just how hard the divine fuzz (apparently I still think it is 1967) is gonna come down on you, but just when is this going to happen? How much more life do you have to endure before you finally get to show everyone just how right your doomsday prediction is? Well, good news! It’s coming soon. It’s always coming soon (except to the Mayans, I guess). “The day when the LORD will sit in judgment is near; so be silent in his presence.” (1.7)
After all, what use is a prediction of impending apocalypse if it’s not impending really really fast? You’ll never convince anyone of the urgency of their religious conversion by promising that if they don’t convert, their great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandchildren are going to be totally fucked. “The great day of the LORD is near – very near and coming fast! That day will be bitter, for even the bravest soldiers will cry out in despair!” (1.14) Translation: GET THE FUCK ON IT, PEOPLE. THE CLOCK IS TICKING.
Because in addition to showing people just how different they are from their neighbors, the end of the world is of course used to scare people. And it’s always been true and it always will be true that scared people will believe fucking anything. All you have to do is promise that if they do exactly what you say, they’ll be okay. All you have to do is reassure them that they didn’t do anything wrong, and that of course there’s an answer, and of course you know what it is, and they’ll be all yours. And then you can get them to do whatever you want.
And what are these new scared believers supposed to do, anyway? Why, nothing much! They just need to live their lives by what was, at the time, conventional morality, and also worship this god instead of their old one(s). As long as you worship the LORD, nothing bad will happen to you, despite the words of earlier in this book, which is a really short book and you would think someone would have made a connection there and done some editing so it isn’t so blatantly contradictory, and you’ll be fine. Better than fine, in fact:
“Sing and shout for joy, people of Israel!
Rejoice with all your heart, Jerusalem!
The LORD has stopped your punishment;
he has removed all your enemies.
The LORD, the king of Israel, is with you;
there is no reason now to be afraid.” (3.14-15)
Lucky break, huh? Just by believing in this guy and going to his temple and worshiping him, your life will be saved! Man, it’s a good thing that the creator and all-powerful ruler of the universe is so easy to bribe, or you’d be totally fucked. And sure, that religion down the street probably says the same things about the end of the world and believing in their god being the only way to live, but they’re just a bunch of heathen unbelievers. After all, it’s right there in your Bible. They’re different than you. And when God kills them, they’ll have had their chance.
And really, they’ll have it coming.
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